My heart is stirred this week. I’ve encountered so many women who are struggling to see their value – myself included. This is never a topic that comes up in casual conversation. In fact, it’s rare to actually hear anyone admit that they struggle to believe they are worth much at all. But the sad reality is that more people than we realize don’t love themselves fully. The shame. The guilt. The feelings of being unclean, dirty, broken beyond repair, disgraceful, never enough, a failure..
We sometimes think mean things about ourselves that we may never verbalize. We blame ourselves, shame ourselves, and vow to be better. Then, being the strong women that we are, we pick ourselves back up and we try to “strive” through the brokenness. We try to make it make sense. We recite affirmations, change our style, go to the gym, block the guy, quit the job, and “glow up”. We work hard to “redeem ourselves” from the moments we don’t want to remember. And for the most part, it works…but only until the next situation arises. Suddenly, we find ourselves right back in that dark place of self-defeat. Guilt, shame, disgust, hurt, unworthy, broken. My heart aches that we carry this weight.
Not only do we carry this, but we carry it well. We move through life without missing a beat. We meet the deadlines, look the part, put a smile on our faces, go on the next date, get the grades, and support everybody else. We show up, and we press on. But there comes a point when we have to get tired. Yall.. I am tired. Tired of operating at a lesser capacity than I was created. Tired of saying yes when I need to say no. Tired of tolerating what I shouldn’t because I haven’t seen or experienced better. Tired of settling for less because I don’t actually believe I deserve more. Tired of trying to prove myself worthy. Tired of desiring approval, acceptance, attention, and understanding from people, especially those who were never even meant to have access to me. Tired of shaming myself for getting it wrong. Tired of seeking people and things to fill voids that only God can fill. And I’m tired of seeing similar patterns in others. I AM TIRED.
To all of my beautiful Queens. You are worth more than I can even express. You don’t deserve to be misused and abused. You have more to offer than your body. Don’t let them make you think you are only a piece of meat. You are a queen, not an object. Not a source of entertainment. Not a punching bag. You deserve more than that half-hearted situationship or relationship. You don’t owe him anything. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don’t settle and don’t compromise your standards. You are more than you size, your shape, your skin tone, your hair, the price of your outfit, or any other outward features. Your true beauty comes from within. Stop dimming your light to make others more comfortable. They will either catch up or get left behind. You don’t deserve to be walked over or taken advantage of by family, friends, men, co-workers, or anyone else. You don’t deserve to be manipulated, lied to, or diminished.
Queens, your worth is not found in people, relationships, careers, money, or circumstances. Your worth is not even based on what you believe about yourself. I’ve worked so hard to be my “best self”, and we all want to live our best lives. Unfortunately, I always come up short. My efforts are never and never will be enough. This is because perfection is a standard that we were never intended to achieve. The longer we depend on our efforts alone to determine our worth, the longer we will be stuck in the trap of shame and unworthiness. We must cease striving and partner with God, allowing Him to guide us through our healing, growth, and “leveling up”.
God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.Ephesians 2:8-9 NLT
If we were perfect and could get it right all of the time, there would have been no reason for Christ to go to the cross. There would be no need for His saving grace. We may be imperfect, but that did not stop Him from choosing us. He loves us IN SPITE OF our sin, mistakes, and shortcomings. The more we understand the love He has for us, the more we’ll come to understand how valuable we are. He loves us more than we could ever truly fathom. And given how I feel in this season, I can also say that He loves me even more than I love myself. My prayer is that I would begin to see myself the way He see’s me, and that you would, too. That said, I cannot define my value or my identity based on my own feelings, understanding, and logic. Instead, I need to allow Him to show me who He says I am. I’m learning to really receive the love He has for me. I’m allowing Him to teach me about how precious I am in His eyes. Letting Him define my worth.
I’ve sought affirmation and acceptance, but God calls me His own special possession.
1 Peter 2:9-10
I’ve put forth so much effort. Countless hours of self-reflection and self-work. But God wants to transform me through the renewing of my mind. He wants to get the glory for my transformation, not me.
I’ve shamed myself for my mistakes, but God‘s grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done or how often I’ve made the same mistake. He forgives, wants to redeem me, and desires to help me walk in freedom from my sins.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 & Ephesians 1:7-10
I’ve been rejected and have allowed it to shape my view of self, but God has already chosen me!!!
Less of me, more of Him. Less of you, more of Him.
Coming to terms with the fact that my self love isn’t where it needs to be has been a difficult pill to swallow, and it’s even more difficult to verbalize. But God can’t heal what we won’t acknowledge, so here I am. My prayer is that you are here with me. Ready for healing. Ready for greater. Ready to experience His love more deeply than ever before. I’m so stirred up. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking this is someone else’s battle, and you don’t struggle with insecurity like this. If that’s you, then I’m trying to be like you sis lol (seriously). But if you’re reading this and maybe you are afraid to come face to face with your insecurities, I’m encouraging you to be brave. If not right now, then sometime soon, make it a point to really have that truth moment with yourself. And if you are currently on a similar journey, then allow this to be encouragement to continue on the path God has laid for you!
This lack of self-love isn’t a realization I came to all in one day. God has been showing me myself all year. Each day is a decision to get to the root and dig it up or continue pretending and struggling. Going deep has been a challenge, but it’s been freeing. It’s comparable to getting your ends trimmed…… No. It’s actually more like getting a big chop. Saying bye bye to all that heat damaged, unhealthy hair. Hard and maybe even scary for some, but when that new growth starts coming in; So worth it. He has been revealing all my broken and dysfunctional pieces but reassuring me that He will put me back together – better than before – if I let Him.
Hear me, this is not an easy process. It hurts. But don’t run from it. Don’t hide from God. I’m giving you this forewarning because so many tears have been shed throughout my own process, but I don’t want you to go for it then get discouraged and give up. No one likes to look at their flaws. No one likes to admit their weaknesses. Also, up until this point, we have been living a certain way and it is all we know. As odd as this will sound, letting go of the dysfunction comes with it’s own set of emotions. It means saying good-bye to the only me I’ve ever known. But when you remember the promises of God; He wants so much more for both you & I. Holding on to that makes it all worth it.
So where do we go from here? Allow God to love on you. Let your prayer be that you would come to know how deep and wide His love for you runs. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t change the reality of it. He chose us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). He loves us in the midst of our foolishness. He leaves the ninety-nine other sheep to come after one lost sheep (Matthew 18:12-14). You are that one. I am that one.
He wants us to give Him our hearts, but He wants us to receive His heart as well. When this exchange begins to happen, the atmosphere begins to shift. When we come into knowledge of who He says we are, and we start to internalize it – that’s when the healing begins. That’s when our choices change. That’s when our responses change. That’s when our tolerance for nonsense changes. That’s when what we attract and are attracted to changes. That’s when our perspective changes. That’s when our thoughts towards ourselves change. That’s when our words change, and we begin to speak life. That’s when we transform on the inside. He wants to strip us of everything that is not like Him and exchange it for His plans which are far greater than our own. He wants us know how valuable we truly are. He has called us to more. It all starts with love.
& God is love.
1 John 4:7-21
Allow Him to love on you. Allow Him to teach you what love is and what it looks like in practice. Allow Him to change your trajectory. Allow Him to fill the empty spaces in your heart. Allow Him to heal you from the inside out. I’m tired of fighting against Him. I want more for the both of us.
God, we pray that out of Your glorious riches, You would strengthen us with power through Your spirit within our innermost beings, so that You may dwell in our heart by faith. I also pray that we, being so rooted and established in love, may have power, together will all Your people, to grasp how wide and long and how deep and how high Your love truly is, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that we may be filled to the measure of all Your fullness.Ephesians 3:16-19
In Jesus name we pray, Amen