I threw my hands up and said “I don’t want to do it anymore”.
My feelings are hurt.
I feel stupid.
I. Give. Up.
I’m done trying.
I’m throwing in the towel.
Don’t care anymore.
*insert shrug emoji*
And on the other side of that “I give up” was——more emotion.
Prior to deciding it was time to let go, I struggled with finding a balance between keeping the faith but also taking heed to wisdom. I had this belief that me giving up on the situation would indicate a lack of trust in God. I thought letting go meant I doubted God. I was afraid that walking away would suggest that I don’t have enough patience and strength to endure the process. So I kept holding on.
I justified my tight grip by saying “I thought I heard God, and if this is what He showed me, then how can I let go?” I had convinced myself that holding on would be a display of my faith. I believed that one day what I was hoping for would come to pass and the wait wouldn’t have been in vain. I’d cry tears of joy because my prayer was finally answered, and it would be my favorite blessing. I’d have a beautiful testimony share about God’s faithfulness, and it would have all been worth it. “I can do this. I’m strong enough to do this” I thought.
Unfortunately, I found myself feeling confused, discouraged, anxious, overwhelmed, sad, and several other burdensome emotions. I was expending so much energy trying to understand what God was doing (see my post Unbothered-by-Uncertainty). I wanted to know the plan. How is this going to turn out God? Am I going to lose and find myself hurting in the long run? Am I wasting my time? Did I hear you wrong? Have I just been letting my emotions get the best of me all along? Do You want me to give up? I had so many “what if’s” in my mind that I was becoming mentally exhausted. I started considering the absolute worse case scenarios. And when those scenarios became too much, I’d consider the opposite outcomes. The beautiful picture I had created in my mind. The scenario I had been holding on to with everything in me. But that just led to a toxic cycle of confusion because I don’t know which way this will go. Yes, I felt strong enough to continue to push through, but did I want to? Something had to give.
So you know what I did?
I gave up. I stopped trying to figure it out.
Making the decision to give up on the situation was an emotional one. To cling to something so tightly for so long and then have to decide to walk away – I struggled. But it was finally time for me to chose me. Holding on was causing my heart to grieve, and I knew for a fact that how I was feeling wasn’t how God would want me to feel. He wants better for me. I also couldn’t imagine feeling that way for any longer. I think my original plan was to wait until I received answers before deciding what to do next, but the truth is that I don’t know when the answer will come. I was waiting for something that may never come. The time is now.
What God showed me shortly after that decision was that it wasn’t Him I gave up on. I know full and well that there is nothing too big for Him. That thing I thought God showed me – I know He can bring it to pass. The question was never if He can do it; it’s always been will He do it? Is what I’ve been holding on to a part of His perfect plan for my life? I still don’t have the answer, but I’m becoming content not having it. What God showed me is that I didn’t give up on Him, I gave up on holding tightly to my own agenda. I gave up on idolizing a certain future that I’ve been dreaming up for myself. I gave up on trying to read God’s mind and predict what He is going to do and when He’s going to do it. I gave up on my way and exchanged it for God’s way. He’s giving me a new understanding of surrenderance.
Yes, I still want to know what God is doing. Yes, I still want clarity and/or closure. Yes, I still wonder if I heard God wrong or if it’s merely a work in progress. Yes, I would still like to see it come to pass— But I’m okay if it doesn’t. I’ll still have joy if things don’t turn out the way I always hoped they would. I’ll still trust God even if He doesn’t reveal His plans to me any time soon. I’ll still be grateful even if when I finally receive the answer, it’s a truth that hurts. I still believe that He’s going to blow my mind even if it’s nothing like what I pictured.
And if He does bring it to pass one day, then I’ll cry tears of gratefulness, rejoice and praise His name, and never stop thanking Him for it. But until then, I’m allowing Him to have His way in me. He’s shifting my attention.
God has me in a season that I didn’t see coming, and while I have many ups and downs, I’ve had a new sense of peace ever since I gave up on my agenda. Now I more fully understand the quote “Let Go & Let God”. I think God needed to remind me that He is enough. He alone is enough. I may not know what’s to come or what’s happening behind the scenes, but I’m grateful for all that He’s teaching me in the meantime. He’s strengthening my endurance, re-teaching me to be content with Him alone, helping me in the areas of discipline and self-control, showing me new ways to really dwell with Him, giving me a deeper understanding of what it means to surrender my will for His, and so much more.
Giving up and allowing God to take over was the healthiest decision I could have made for myself in this season. Talk about self-care! I still have questions, and I still have specific hopes and desires, but I have peace knowing God is fighting for me no matter what. He has my best interest at heart, and I can’t wait to see what my future looks like. I know He’s going to blow my mind. ❤