But God….

I am a SURVIVOR. A survivor of suicide. A survivor of abuse. And a survivor of so much more. I’ve been through a lot, BUT GOD! I’m beginning to see how my trials and tribulations are for my GOOD. God has been revealing the WHY to me. Why I had to go through what I went through, and why I’m experiencing what I’m currently in. He’s showing me that my thoughts are not His thoughts, neither are my ways His ways. Everything I’ve been crying about, everything I’ve been depressed about, everything I FEEL I’ve been struggling with, is for my good and He is meeting my every need. 

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV

I cried out to God recently because I got tired of struggling with things like chronic sadness. For a while now, I’ve been going through a healing process and it has been a challenge. I’m in a season where God is saying “I need to get to the core”. Since being in this season, I’ve had to confront a lot of pain from my past. For example, I went through Cognitive Process Therapy. Cognitive Process Therapy is for people who suffer from PTSD (I have PTSD). Essentially during this process you work with a therapist to identify and explore ways that trauma has altered your thoughts and beliefs, and how it has affected the way you feel and behave. Included in this process is lots of homework. I’ve had to talk and/or write about things like the events that took place while going through child abuse, when I was molested as a kid and raped as an adult, my miscarriage, and SO much more! I literally had to draw a time line, write down every single traumatic event I remember, and talk it through with my therapists. 

In addition, I’m constantly triggered by school. I’m currently pursuing a Master’s in Social Work and we talk about things I’ve experienced and much worse…on a global level. To be honest, I hate my program for this exact reason but I know it’s intentional. I’ve had dreams about traumatic events that I wasn’t sure were true but later on, those exact things were confirmed. I’ve been restless because I would randomly think about something that happened to me and I would write and pray about it. I’ve also been involved in unexpected conversations with my abuser(s) etc. I’m currently a part of a support group. A lot right? 

About a week ago, I was triggered yet again and I went home crying. I said to God, “I know this is a part of my healing process but I don’t know how to cope, so I need you to be specific about how to properly heal”. This prayer was different from the others. You see, sometimes you have to go to the throne boldly and speak back to Him what He said. I was desperate for answers this day, so I TAPPED IN.

He heard me. He responded. He revealed that I am being shifted HOLISTICALLY! God told me that I was going to go through a deeper healing process a while back and healing holistically is what He meant. I’ve been broken holistically, so holistic healing is required! He then proceeded to give me specific instructions about what I need to be doing to heal spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. He even showed me certain people that He has intentionally placed in my life to support me and hold me accountable during my process. I prayed for Him to be specific and He answered! Like always. In fact, He has been answering my prayers before I even realized, I just had to shift my perspective to see His works. 

I’ve been praying for God to mend my family. My mom died (my aunt who adopted me) and God revealed to me why she had to die. She was the sacrificial lamb for my family to mend. Now my birth mother is showing efforts to be in her children’s lives. It may not be all of us but trust, this is major progress for her. I saw my blood brother after 8 years. I got to spend time with my nephew and I haven’t been able to see him since he was a baby. He’s 3 now. My niece (my brother’s daughter) contacts me on a regular now and I haven’t spoken to her since she was a baby as well. She’s 12 now. Last night, one of my cousins came to my rescue unexpectedly, in the middle of me crying out to God and we had the chance to spend time together for the first time since I’ve lived in Grand Rapids. I’ve been here for about 6 years.

I’ve cried out about my mental health organization, REVIVE, and He REVIVED it.

I’ve been crying out about school and how it’s a trigger for me, but I STILL manage to come out on top academically. I’m even in a honors society!

I’ve been crying out about my job and the micro-aggression’s I experience on a regular, but because of me, this issue has been revealed and now people are talking about it. 

I’ve been crying out about my finances, but somehow I always have just enough even if it feels like I’m merely “surviving”.

I’ve been crying out about “losing friends,” but God said “No. The old you is shedding, so those people are gone, too. I provided you with a new community even though it is not what you’re use to”.

My testimony is that after all I have endured, I’m still standing. God is shifting my mind, healing me holistically, and making me new. He is showing me who HE says I am and is even proving Himself faithful to me because He loves me that much! He is revealing what He has called me to do. He is providing me with understanding. He has opened my eyes to see and receive the answer to one of the hardest questions we can ask – “why me?” The main point I want you to walk away with is that we have to change our perspective to see what’s happening right in front of us. Just because something isn’t happening the way we want it to happen, doesn’t mean God isn’t working on our behalf. NEVER give up. Keep fighting until you see the manifestation of His promises. GOD HEARS US regardless of how we pray. There is so much purpose in the process.

You may experience growing pains and the blessing may not look so glamorous while going through it but because I’m choosing to go through my process and I am enduring it,  I feel lighter and at peace mixed in with motivation and fire. God sparked something when He spoke to me. I never felt so content and determined in my WHOLE life. Content with the season I’m in and determined to see it through.

I hope this encourages my brothers and sisters who are going through their own healing process, know that God’s Grace is sufficient for every moment of every day!

– LaShawntelle Carson-Pops

4 thoughts on “But God….

  1. marredinthemastershands says:

    Thank you for sharing. We have a similar testimony Sis so know that you are not alone in your struggles. I suffer from depression ( God is freeing me) May 5 2019 I tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. It was more of a cry for help than actually wanting to die. I remember one chaplain telling me to go back and release and forgive all those things that hurt. She said that it was not going to be easy. While I was never sexually abused. I have been physically and emotionally abused from those I trusted the most. Today also marks 7 months since my mom passed away. I recently joined a Christian based support group and in a few weeks I have my first CBT therapy session. God has been revealing to me that he called me to minister to those women especially in the church suffering from mental health issues. But he is working on me first, he’s also healing me from my core. I know that we both have a journey ahead of us. But God is carrying us through. When he brings us out of this we will come out as pure gold (Job 23:10). Thank you for sharing your testimony! It gives me the encouragement to go on to see what the end will be! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us!! God Bless You!

    Like

    • JourdanJanae says:

      YESS! Amen to all of this! I am so happy to hear of your strength and endurance. God has so much purpose for you in this life and that is really a testimony that He not only kept you, but also revealed to you what He wants you to do now. I also LOVE that you are speaking things over your life such as God is freeing you, healing you, carrying you through, etc. There is so much power in that! I will be keeping you in my prayers and also cannot wait to hear how He is continuing to move in your life!

      Also, LaShawntelle & I have a mental health organization called REVIVE Inc. and this week we are actually doing a series called I Am A Suicide Survivor & I Have Something To Say. We are using our platforms (Instagram, Twitter & Facebook) to share the testimonies of suicide survivors. We could even share the above message. If this is something you are interested in and would like to participate, we’d love to feature you one of the days this week. You can reply on here, shoot us an email at Reviveinc2016@gmail.com, or follow us on any of our social media sites and message us there: RMO_Inc on all of them. I look forward to hearing from you.

      Keep pushing & God Bless ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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