For any single ladies that may be reading this, know you are not alone and that it can get better. With Valentines Day quickly approaching, I know feelings of bitterness and loneliness sometimes creep in and it can be difficult to keep your head up. Maybe your relationship just ended, or maybe you haven’t been in one in years. It could be that you have to watch the man you love be with someone else, or perhaps the person you are with doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated. Whatever your situation, I know it can be hard, and sometimes Valentines Day just makes it worse. Constant reminders everywhere that you don’t have that special person, and it can cause you to wonder if you ever will. You might start to ask yourself things like “is it me?,” “why doesn’t anyone love me?,” “when will it be my turn?,” “why do I keep settling for less than I deserve?,” or “how does she always have a man and she’s a hoe, but I can’t get one?”. But often, these questions are rooted in comparison and deep insecurity. Though these are the issues we don’t want to face, it’s that truth that will set you free.
I use to be the sad, lonely, bitter girl with a longing for love and an envy towards anyone who had it. My mind was filled with nothing but thoughts about finally finding the person who could buy me that giant bear and make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I spent a lot of time chasing dudes that didn’t value me and found myself constantly disappointed with my feelings hurt. Single but my heart was always taken by someone who didn’t deserve it. Talk about bitter. Being able to sit here today writing this post about overcoming that loneliness I felt is a testimony. God saved me from myself. As I look back over some of my old journal entries, I’m always taken aback by how sad I was about not having romantic love. This was a struggle that far surpassed Valentines Day, but as you can imagine, this has never been my favorite time of year. Here are a few snippets that illustrate how the day once affected me:
At the beginning of this post, I stated that things can get better. I’m a living witness that they can, but you have to be willing to work for it. You have to decide that your happiness and freedom from both bitterness and loneliness are worth fighting for. This is merely a battle of the mind. In February of 2013, I decided I was tired of being bitter on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want to wear all black or avoid the stores so that I didn’t have to be taunted by all of the flowers, chocolates and hearts. I didn’t want to stay off of social media because I couldn’t handle seeing all of the cute couples or stay in the house to avoid the love in the air. I just wanted to be okay. I was ready to embrace “Singles Awareness Day”. I made the choice to get up and fight against my negative thoughts that were telling me things like I wont be happy until I find love. I began showing love to others rather than sulking in my own loneliness.
To this day, I still have never had a Valentine, but I have not been so bothered by it anymore either. I have also not been on many dates, never been in a relationship, nor have I found the love of my life. Over the years I’ve grown considerably and one of the most important things I’ve learned is that a man cannot not complete you.
You can be genuinely happy as a single.
You have to commit to looking inside of yourself to find what keeps you stuck in a place of longing, bitterness and unhappiness.
You have to stop comparing what you see on social media to your reality.
You have to stop looking at what everyone else has and focus on what God is trying to do in your life.
You have to learn to celebrate others when they are getting blessed rather than being filled with a spirit of envy.
You have to find peace in knowing that God’s timing is perfect.
There are days when I still feel like the sad young girl that I once was, but they have become far less. I’ve realized that there are so many better ways I could be spending my time and mental energy than looking for love. Valentines Day can be triggering, but try doing something nice for yourself or someone else. Maybe take yourself on a date or just enjoy some self care. Or, making another person smile is a way to potentially make someones day while lifting your own spirit in the process. Remember, your time will come, but in the mean time, walk in purpose. Shift your focus. Choose to be the amazing woman that you are whether you are alone or not.
P.s: You deserve love on more than just Valentine’s Day. If he wasn’t showing you love/effort before, Valentine’s day won’t make it or break it…